


Butterflies

by elem (elem44)



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-10
Updated: 2017-07-10
Packaged: 2018-11-30 13:08:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11464239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elem44/pseuds/elem
Summary: This was inspired by the line from the episode ‘The Swarm’, where Kathryn mentions sneaking out of her house late at night when she was in high school. Cam, you mentioned that line in a post about one of my earlier stories. It gave me an idea and here’s what happened. There is no Endgame in this universe, but there is a smattering of C/7. However it’s definitely J/C. Set late in Season Seven.





	Butterflies

**Author's Note:**

> For Camryn. For you my friend. May you fiddle forever.

Chakotay took a tentative bite of his dinner. Kathryn had cooked again. He willed his features to remain expressionless and not to curl into a grimace, but much to his surprise, the food was delicious. He raised his eyebrows and looked at her. “OK, who made this?”

“I did.” She gave him a jaundiced look and stabbed at the food on her plate.

“Really?”

“Yes, really.” She sat back and crossed her arms. “I can cook when I want to and…” Adding sotto voce as she leaned forward again. “….when my mother sends me the correct program.”

“Ha! I knew there was a reason.” He raised his eggplant laden fork in salute. “Thank you, Mrs Janeway.” He took another hearty mouthful.

She rolled her eyes, but couldn’t stop a small chuckle. Her culinary skills, or lack thereof, had become legendary, and something of a standing joke amongst the crew.

Chakotay wolfed down his meal with gusto. “This is really delicious, Kathryn. What’s it called?”

“We used to call it ‘Bazooka’, but its real name is Zakuszka.” A soft smile lit her face as she thought of home. “It’s a Hungarian dish, and it was one of my favourite meals when I was a kid. My Mom is a great cook. When we get home you’ll ….” She realised her mistake as soon as she’d uttered the words and shot him a look. “I mean, sometime if you’d like…? If you and Seven……?” Kathryn took another bite of her meal to cover her discomfort and frowning, followed it with a large swig of her wine. Damn, she hated when she did that. She knew about Chakotay and Seven’s romance, but she kept forgetting. When she did remember she suffered this unpleasant stab of hurt….fool that she was. And now she felt the sting of tears. Ridiculous woman.

For years she’d pushed him away, even telling him to find someone and settle down, and now that he had, it broke her heart. She had no right to feel this way and would just have to get over it. Lowering her head she concentrated on her meal. What truly saddened her was that it would mean the end of this. These weekly dinners with Chakotay had been a highlight, but with the spectre of Seven hovering over them, they’d lost their relaxed and easy camaraderie. She missed it. She missed it very much.

The unsolicited taste of bitterness rose in her throat, and she forced it down. What made the whole situation even more tragic was that since receiving the monthly communications from Starfleet she’d recently learned that the protocols and regulations regarding relationships between commanding officers and members of their crew had been relaxed – especially those on deep space missions. Married and bonded couples were being actively encouraged and welcomed. It made a good deal of sense really, but this knowledge had come too late for Kathryn. She railed at the irony of it all.

Taking another sip of wine, she tried to swallow past the lump in her throat and plastering a smile on her face, she looked up at him.

His brow was furrowed and there was a look of wary concern in his eyes. “I’m looking forward to meeting your mother, Kathryn. In fact, I feel like I know her already.” He gave a wry smile. “Mind you, she may not want to meet me. Remember, I’m the Maquis rebel who was responsible for her daughter being dragged half way across the galaxy. I might not be all that welcome at the Janeways.”

Kathryn smiled warmly. “No, you’d always be welcome. Anyway, she couldn’t be any tougher on you than she was on some of my friends when I was younger.”

Chakotay chuckled. “That’s right, I remember. Were these the same friends you used to sneak out to see in the middle of the night when you were in your teens? You never did elaborate on that salacious little tidbit. The corridors were buzzing for days after you let that one drop.”

She raised her eyebrows at him and stifled a laugh. “I didn’t think I needed to elaborate. You all have imaginations.” She’d forgotten about that. It was the day they were trying to elude the Swarm. She’d mentioned in passing that it reminded her of when she was in high school and she’d snuck out of the house a couple of times late at night, and had to tiptoe past her parent’s bedroom.

She looked at his smiling face. That was almost five years ago now. So many years and so much time.

His eyes sparkled. “Ahh! But, Kathryn, are our imaginations good enough? Go on. Tell me about it.”

Dragging her gaze away from him, she tried to cover her unease by downing another large gulp of her wine. How much had she had? Her head was a little woozy, so she checked the bottle. It was empty. Great. She’d had a fortifying glass before he arrived, and so far he’d only had one, which meant she’d put away the better part of a bottle of pinot over the last hour or so. No wonder her emotions were all over the place. She shook her head. Well, there was no way she was going to tell him about those midnight trysts. It made her blush just thinking about them.

He guffawed. “You’re blushing! Spirits woman, you have to tell me. You can’t blush like that and leave me in the dark. My imagination is going to run riot.” He was delighted and enthralled with this conversation and charmed by her embarrassment. The thought of what his Kathryn…..oops… what Kathryn had done to make her blush like that sent a welcome thrum through his insides. She could still do it to him. He’d fought it for years, but she still had the power to thrill him. She always would, he imagined. He wondered if she felt a corresponding thrill. Somehow he doubted it.

He watched her now as she tried to avoid his gaze. He’d felt a strange stab of something when he’d thought of her as ‘his’ Kathryn. She wasn’t, of course. Never had been, and now she was further away than ever. It had snuck up on him. All of a sudden there was a distance and remoteness in their interactions, and it saddened him. Tonight was the first night in months that they’d had a chance to have their usual weekly dinner. They, or rather, he, had been so busy that there hadn’t been an opportunity to get together, but tonight Seven was on duty and they’d both had a free evening. It was wonderful and he’d looked forward to it for days. He’d missed her.

She was there beside him every day, but over the last few months, she’d pulled away. He wasn’t sure why exactly, but her discomfort worried him. There was this disturbing niggle that distracted him and made him want to take her in his arms and reassure her…… of what though? She’d made it perfectly clear years ago that she would never involve herself with anyone under her command. His problem was that he couldn’t just turn off his feelings for her, as she had for him. He wasn’t built that way. The brave and beautiful warrior woman would always hold a place in his heart, but it was obviously not meant to be and he’d decided to move on. She’d told him more than once to do so. But it didn’t sit easily with him.

The time he spent with Seven was enjoyable. She was a beautiful and intelligent young woman, but they didn’t have the same connection and wealth of experiences that he and Kathryn shared. He supposed they would eventually, but there wasn’t that same familiarity and bond. If only he could have persuaded Kathryn to move beyond the protocols and regulations, but it had been seven years, and he’d come to terms with the fact that she wasn’t going to change her mind. He’d decided that if he wanted a life, a family and someone to love, he had to make the move. Seven had approached him a few months ago and romance had blossomed. He still didn’t feel completely at ease with it however. Deep down it felt like he was being unfaithful.

Kathryn opened another bottle of wine, poured him a glass and refilled her own. He noticed that she’d had more than her share and was looking a little less than sober. It wasn’t unheard of for them to indulge in a few bottles of wine on occasion. He considered it a much needed circuit breaker and as they were in a quiet part of space at the moment, there was no harm. Kathryn, especially, needed to let loose every now and then, and she was safe with him. It warmed his heart to know that she trusted him enough that she was willing to let down her guard in his company.

Chakotay grabbed his glass and the bottle. “Come on, let’s go and sit on the couch. I’ll give you a hand tidying this up later.”

She nodded and picked up her glass then plonked herself at one end of the couch. Chakotay sat at the other end and laid his arm along the backrest.

She was holding her glass in both hands, and her hair was a little dishevelled. She’d unzipped her jacket and kicked off her boots, and after wriggling back into the cushions, she tucked her feet up underneath her. He smiled. She didn’t look very much like a starship captain – more like an errant teenager.

“What are you smiling about?” She was enjoying this. It seemed like old times.

“I’m just trying to imagine what you got up to on your midnight jaunts. Who was he?” Chakotay drained his glass and poured another.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” She quirked an eyebrow and grinned saucily. The wine had lowered her defences and they were bantering much as they’d done in the early years. It warmed her heart.

“Yes I would, and… I’m willing to take a guess.” He was enjoying this Kathryn, the smart and sassy woman who stirred him.

She shrugged. “You could try, but I don’t know how you could possibly know who he was.”

“I don’t need to know his name, just his type.”

“His type?” She looked at him for a moment and then shrugged and crossed her arms. Her eyes sparked with challenge. “OK, give it your best shot.”

He’d seen pictures of Mark Johnson, but the only other men he’d known her to be attracted to were Kashyk, Michael Sullivan and Jaffen. If there were others he was unaware. He cocked his head to the side. “Alright, here goes.” His eyes narrowed. “He was dark haired, tall, well built.” Her eyes had widened slightly so he knew he was on the right track. “Footballer?” She gave a small smile. “No?….Ummm …wrestling or Parrises Squares?” She nodded, impressed so far with his description of Cheb. “He was smart, but not as smart as you – very serious but a bit of a showman, and, in the end, something of a disappointment? How am I doing? Pretty close, huh?”

“Not bad for guess work.”

“Guessing has nothing to do with it.”

“Oh, yeah! So now you’re going to tell me that you’re a mind reader.”

“No, but I know your mind and I know the sort of men you’re attracted to.”

“Do you now? Like who?”

“Well, Kashyk for one.”

Kathryn scoffed at that. “I was never attracted to him. It was all a game.”

It was his turn to scoff. “Don’t kid yourself, Kathryn. You were attracted to him. You’d never have done anything about it but…. those bad boy good looks and that devilish charm? I could tell.”

She raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t know you paid that much attention to my love life, Chakotay.”

“I’ve always paid attention to you, Kathryn. Particularly to your love life.”

She realised this conversation was travelling in a direction that she wasn’t sure they should take. Seven’s face flashed in front of her. “Well, Kashyk aside, you’ve described Cheb Packer to a tee.”

“Cheb Packer, huh? So tell me, what did you two to get up to. I’m intrigued.”

“I bet you are.” She laughed. She was finding this conversation quite stimulating, but she wasn’t going to be so easily baited. “Tell you what. You go first.”

“What?”

“Go on, you were a young once. Weren’t you? You must have been involved in all sorts of mischief and misdeeds. I can just picture you. Young and cocky, full of bluff and bravado.” Her eyes flashed. “You go first. Tell me about one of your escapades and then I’ll reciprocate.”

He took a long drink of wine and met her challenging stare. The alcohol was starting to affect him too. There were sparks flying between them. It was invigorating, but she was touchy about something. Maybe he’d hit too close to the bone with the Kashyk thing. That thought sent an uncomfortable jolt through him. The sensation had the unpleasant sting of jealousy. He tried to ignore it and nodded his head slowly. “Ok. Just let me think.” He cast his mind back to his formative years. He wanted to tell her something that would encourage her to divulge the secret of her exploits, so it had to be something relatively exposing. Ah ha, that would do.

She studied his handsome face as he stared into nothingness, casting his mind back, and dredging through his memories. Suddenly his eyes refocused, and she darted hers away.

“I’ve got one.”

She rolled her eyes. “There were that many that you had trouble choosing? Sheesh, mine will be a disappointment then.”

“I don’t think so, not from the way you were blushing.” It was his turn to quirk an eyebrow. “I’m looking forward to it, don’t you worry.”

Sitting back she watched and waited. “Well?”

“Alright, umm… I was sixteen, and my father and I had just arrived back on Trebus after our trip to the wilds of South America and our search for the Rubber Tree People. I was still angry with him for taking me.” He noticed Kathryn’s smile. “Yes, I know. I was angry a lot.” He shuffled back in his seat. “The moment we got home, I took off to find my friends. Hell, I was sixteen and I’d missed them. I ran to the centre of the village but no one was there, so I wandered around aimlessly for a while and then started walking towards the river. About half way there I ran into a friend of my cousin’s. Her name was Nisia and she was seventeen. I’d had a crush on her for years. She was beautiful and smart but so beyond my reach that all I could ever do was worship her from afar.” He gave Kathryn a meaningful look, and then continued. “On that day she’d been collecting wild herbs along the river bank. I smiled a shy hello. She greeted me and called me over to where she was standing.”

“She said. ‘Chakotay, look at this.’ In amongst the wildflowers was the most beautiful butterfly I’d ever seen. It was all blues and purples with pink and yellow splashes. It was extraordinary. We were leaning over looking at it closely, and she whispered. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything so beautiful in my life.’ I remember thinking that the butterfly was beautiful, but it only came a distant second to her.” Kathryn smiled at his sweet thought and leaned a little closer. “In that instant we both turned to one another and found our faces only centimetres apart. Her breath was feathering over my cheek, I could smell her musky scent and I could see myself reflected in her eyes. They were the darkest chocolate brown eyes you could ever imagine.” Kathryn nodded, imagining very well.

“I don’t know how long we stared at one another, but I can still remember how my heart thundered in my chest and that I couldn’t catch my breath. Everything seemed to spiral down into this world of brown eyes and golden skin. I don’t remember moving but suddenly our lips were touching. I’d kissed a few girls before, but it had never been like this. Our lips were barely touching. It was almost like the touch of butterfly wings. A gentle, sweet kiss that tasted of honey.”

Kathryn was watching him intently and he noticed her tongue dart out to moisten her lips. Staring at her mouth he mimicked her action and was rewarded with her small inhalation. She moved herself back into the couch further. Her drink had been abandoned and her hands were clasped tightly in her lap, and she shifted her eyes to look out the viewport as he continued his story. “I was giddy, elated and felt like I could fly. Then she touched my cheek and it was as though I’d been branded. I’d never felt anything like it. I was stunned and excited and … also painfully aroused. I had never lain with a woman, and was completely at a loss as to what to do. She must have taken pity on me because she took my hand and led me into the forest. My head was spinning, and my heart was pounding but I was very worried about how I was going to do this, and if I would please her.”

“She took me to a small clearing, well away from the river and the village, and standing in front of me she smiled. Without saying a word she began to slowly undo the laces on my shirt. She pulled it out of my pants and over my head. Her hands stroked gently over my stomach and shoulders, and then she leant forward and kissed my chest and neck. She slid her hands up to my hair and pulled my head towards her and we kissed again. This time deeply, with our mouths open and our tongues touching. I was beyond rational thought and if given the chance I would have eaten her alive. I wanted to taste every part of her. My hands were wandering frantically over her body, stroking and fondling. After a moment she pulled back and directed me towards the laces on her shirt. I pulled them open and together we pulled her shirt over her head. Her breasts were exquisite. I suckled and nipped at them and before long we sank to the ground. We eased out of the rest of our clothing and lay together naked. My adolescent mind was telling me to mount her and pound away, but she pulled away from me and began to explore my body. She then drew my hands towards her and together we explored each other. It was an extraordinary experience. We made love to each other, just touching and kissing and fondling, for over an hour before we came together. When I finally entered her it was a blissful culmination to this wonderful loving moment out of time.”

“We never told anyone about what we’d done. She married a distant relative of mine a few years later and I never heard from her again.”

Kathryn was staring out the viewport, and she didn’t move for several moments. Chakotay leaned forward and touched her knee. “Kathryn? Your turn now.”

She turned to him slowly and there were tears in her eyes. “Why did you tell me that particular story?”

Chakotay shrugged. “I don’t know. It just seemed the most appropriate somehow.” He didn’t understand why she was so upset. “I’m sorry if I offended you, but I thought we……”

She shook her head vehemently. “God no, I’m not offended. Far from it. Chakotay, that was a beautiful story, but I can’t tell you mine now.”

“Hey, that’s not fair. Why not?”

“Because it would cheapen your experience. I was a middle class daughter of an admiral, growing up in a Midwestern town. Nothing I’ve ever done could compare with that experience. Can we just leave it at that?”

He laughed quietly, trying to lighten the mood. “No. You said you’d reciprocate. You can’t renege now.”

She looked at him and her shoulders sagged. He didn’t understand. His story was beautiful and full of gentle, sweet passion. It had an almost fey quality to it. Hers, in comparison, was course and ordinary. If only she’d had an experience like his to relate. She felt cheated.

“Come on, Kathryn, it can’t have been that bad.”

All of a sudden a flash of anger sparked in her eyes. Why was he pushing her like this? She should never have let this go so far. It was her own fault and she’d only made it worse by challenging him. Damn that wine. Alright. He asked for it. “Ok, if you really have to know. I used to meet Cheb Packer, the boy you described before, late at night. I would sneak out of the house after my parents had gone to bed and meet him down by the creek. We’d fuck like rabbits. That’s it. Satisfied?”

She stood up abruptly and moved to the replicator. “Coffee black.” She was annoyed and embarrassed.

Chakotay followed her. “Kathryn?”

She turned with her coffee cup in front of her. It wasn’t much of a barrier, so she tried to salvage some dignity by slipping into command mode. “Commander?”

He wasn’t going to be intimidated and gave her a warm smile. Taking the cup from her hands he placed it back on the replicator and then before she could object, he hauled her into his arms and held her close in a warm friendly hug. She stiffened at first and then slowly relaxed into his embrace. He held her for a few minutes before he tilted back a little and looked at her face. “Like rabbits, huh?” She blinked as a blush rose up her neck. He grinned. “I’d have paid money to see that.”

Her eyes opened wide and she couldn’t stop the laugh that exploded from her. Her forehead thunked on to his chest. He always knew what to say. “Oh, God. You’re so bad, but thank you.” She looked up and gave him a wicked grin. “How much would you pay?”

He laughed out loud. “And you think I’m bad? You, woman, take the prize. How much? Ummm. I’d have to check my piggy bank.”

He pulled her close again. They hadn’t hugged like this for a long time. It was another thing that he’d missed. He noticed her wriggling closer, and then he frowned in concern. Her hands had slid around his waist and were now grasping handfuls of his jacket. All of a sudden, what had been a friendly hug had turned into a desperate and clinging embrace. He could feel her body shudder and strain against him. “Kathryn?”

She shook her head against his chest, and gripped him tighter. He held her, gently stroking his hands up and down her back as he tried to soothe her. She was distressed, deeply so, and he could feel the tension all through her body. What could be so wrong that she would feel like this?

Kathryn had closed her eyes tight as he pulled her into his arms. She’d wrapped her arms around him and didn’t want to let go. A mantra was echoing through her mind. ‘What was she going to do without him? What was she going to do?’ She pulled herself closer by grabbing handfuls of his jacket, and couldn’t stop her body from trembling.

This would probably be the last time she ever held him like this, and she’d just have to learn to live without him. He was with Seven now and she had no right anymore. Taking some deep shuddering breaths she began to calm herself. He was stroking her back soothingly. He was such a kind man and so very good to her. He must be wondering what in God’s name was going on. His voice rumbled through his chest as he uttered a worried. “Kathryn?”

Words were beyond her just at the moment, so she just shook her head against him and let him pull her closer.

Slowly the tension ebbed. Her death grip on his jacket eased and she began to pull away, but before she could disengage entirely he leaned back with one arm still around her waist. “Kathryn? What is it?”

She took a deep breath and gave him a sad smile. How could she explain? “I guess I’m just saying goodbye.”

He frowned. “What?”

She shrugged and moved out of his arms. “This will probably be the last time we do something like this.” She swept her hand around indicating the dinner, the wine and…him. He opened his mouth to protest and she held up her hand. “No, don’t. It’s alright. It’s how it should be. You’ve other priorities now, and I know if I was in Seven’s shoes, I wouldn’t be too happy about you having dinner every week with someone else. But I suppose I’d just like take this opportunity to thank you for everything you’ve done for me over the years.”

“Kathryn, I’m not going anywhere. I’m still here.”

“I know that, Chakotay, but it won’t be the same. I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m being so maudlin, but for some reason this just feels like the end of something and I want to give it the recognition it deserves and to wish you well in your new life.” She picked up her coffee, and with a trembling hand took a sip.

Chakotay was confused and deeply troubled. What the hell had happened? The night had started out so well. They’d been having fun, chatting and joking. Yes, she’d been a little withdrawn, but they’d relaxed and finished up telling each other of their teenage exploits. Now she was saying goodbye, and implying that he wasn’t going to be a part of her life anymore. A rising tide of dread began to seep through him, and he didn’t know what to do. She seemed so calm and accepting. But he couldn’t just accept it. This was Kathryn. His …. What?

He had to leave. He had to try and figure out what the hell was going on and what to do. Panic started to rise.

He stared at her, his eyes wide and haunted, and without a word, he turned and walked out her door and up the corridor to his quarters.

Kathryn stood and watched as he walked away. Her heart went with him, and as the doors snapped shut behind him, she lost her fight and sobbed quietly, tears pouring down her face. She moved to the viewport and stared at the cold dark space. It was what she felt like inside.

He staggered through his door and stood for a moment looking blankly around his room. What the hell had just happened? Tonight was supposed to have been about reconnecting. He’d gone there with the intention of renewing their friendship and strengthening their bond and somewhere along the line, he’d missed something and the connection had been severed. He was completely at a loss. She was his rock, his compass, and he needed her. Why was she doing this?

His relationship with Seven? Surely she knew that he wouldn’t let that interfere with their friendship. But it already had, hadn’t it? He’d cancelled several dinners and refused invitations to lunch. How would he feel if their situations were reversed? He’d be devastated. Fuck! He was an idiot.

He couldn’t lose her. Nothing was worth that. Not Seven, not the Alpha Quadrant…. nothing.

His door chimed and he turned taking a step towards it. “Kath…..Oh, Seven.”

Seven strode across his quarters and kissed him. He took a step away. It now all seemed so wrong.

“Chakotay?” The young Borg woman looked at him with concern. “What is the matter? Did you not have a pleasant evening with the captain?”

“I…” He gave his head a shake to clear it. “I had a very nice time, thank you, Seven. I’m just a bit… um… out of sorts. Do you mind if ….. I’ll… see you tomorrow.”

Seven raised an eyebrow and nodded her assent, and turning, began to walk towards the door.

“No, Seven, wait. I have to talk to you about something. Please, have a seat.”

“I prefer to stand.” He frowned at her and shook his head. The image of Kathryn curled up comfortably in the corner of the couch flashed through his mind. His heart constricted.

He stood looking at the beautiful blonde woman in front of him. How could he explain to her what had happened and that he realised now that their relationship was a mistake? A huge mistake. Seven was, if nothing else, forthright, so he decided that being direct would be the best way to handle this.

“Seven, this…” He waved his hand between them. “This isn’t right.” He heaved a sigh. “I’ve been thinking about our relationship and it’s very difficult to explain it to you but…” He ran his hand through his hair and then met her gaze. “Although I’ve enjoyed my time with you over the last couple of months, I really don’t see a future for us.”

Seven looked at Chakotay. Her eyes narrowed slightly but her flawless features betrayed no emotion. She nodded stiffly. “Understood. Is it something that I have done? Or failed to do?”

“No, Seven. I think we just have to be honest with ourselves. We have very little in common and for a relationship to endure there must be a commonality of vision and some sort of shared dream.” He looked directly at her. “What did you want from this relationship, Seven?”

She cocked her head to the side and frowned. “I did not ‘want’ anything in particular. My goal had been to complete each step in my research, I had not considered any long term plans. Have I been in error?”

Chakotay shook his head slowly as an unpleasant sensation settled in his middle. “No, Seven. You haven’t been in error. But I have.” He moved in front of her. “Seven, I don’t wish to hurt you, but it’s time to call an end to this. I don’t wish to continue with our relationship.”

She blinked once, but remained impassive. “Very well, Chakotay. I comply.” She turned and moved towards the door. As if suddenly remembering her manners, she turned and gave him a small smile. “Thank you for your time and patience. I have learned much.” With that she stepped forward and strode through the doors.

Chakotay slumped into his chair and dropped his head into his hands. What a fool he’d been. He’d caused so much pain and all because he’d been too selfish and stupid to see what was right before him. He could never live without Kathryn. Their bond was deep, almost sacred, and in his arrogance he’d tried to have it all. It was so unfair to both Kathryn and Seven.

Oh Spirits, Kathryn. Their relationship was as close as that of a husband and wife. They knew things about one another that even their mothers didn’t know. Their bond was deep and one day they’d be home. He just had to be patient. He’d sworn all those years ago to stay by her side and he’d failed in his promise. His heart ached.

He ground the heels of his hands into his eyes and pushed hard. The internal pain of what he’d done was acute and this external pain distracted him. Eventually he threw his head back and opened his eyes. Sparks and flashes danced before him and tears rolled down his cheeks. How was he going to retrieve this? Kathryn had already drifted so far away that he feared that he may not be able to find her to bring her home. A sob welled up inside him. He’d held her tonight and he prayed to the spirits that it wasn’t for the last time.

It was many hours later before he took himself to bed to spend the night tossing and turning, plagued by dreams of Kathryn drifting from his grasp.

* * *

It was quiet on the bridge the following day, and Kathryn spent most of her day in her ready room preparing the next message bundle for Starfleet. He only saw her briefly as she handed over on her way to lunch. Word had quickly spread regarding his and Seven’s break up and he just hoped that Kathryn would understand the significance.

He spent most of his day sitting on the bridge trying to think of some way to atone for what he’d done. He was very troubled and his insides churned with fear of what he might have lost. As the bridge crew bantered around him, he relived the nightmare of the previous evening. But as he mulled over what had been said an idea wormed its way into his thoughts, and slowly but surely a way to remedy this terrible turn of events coalesced in his mind. As soon as the Beta shift arrived, he made his way to his quarters to put his plan into action.

It took three days before everything was ready. He’d spoken to Kathryn several times, almost exclusively about ship’s business. She’d been quiet, and not unfriendly, but there was a reservedness about her that tore at him. He hoped that after tonight that sadness would be replaced by joy. He knew how she was feeling. The sense of loss had eaten away at him and he decided that it was past time to take action.

Their shift was over and he moved to her ready room doors and rang the chime. The doors slid open and he smiled at the familiar tableau before him. She was sitting behind her desk concentrating intently on her computer monitor. In one hand she held a padd and in the other a cup of coffee, probably cold.

Her brow was furrowed in concentration. She looked up. “Commander?”

“It’s end of shift, Captain.”

She nodded and gave a small smile. “I’m almost finished here. We’re due for a Pathfinder transmission from Starfleet tomorrow and I just have to finish these last few logs. What can I do for you?”

“Kathryn.” He stepped forward. The use of her first name signalled that this wasn’t ship’s business. She lowered the padd to the desk and looked at him.

“Kathryn, I’ve got a few hours of holodeck time booked for this evening and I was wondering if you’d care to join me?”

She blinked slowly. “I have a lot of work to do, Chakotay.”

“I know, but this is important. The communications aren’t due until tomorrow afternoon. I can help you finalise the logs in the morning. Please Kathryn. I’d love you to come.”

She shuffled forward on her chair and looked into the depths of her coffee cup. “I heard about you and Seven. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. Neither of us is upset. In fact, relief is a closer description of what we’re feeling. I spoke with her this afternoon and she is fine. I don’t know what I was thinking, it would never have worked.” He took a step towards the desk and smiled. “Will you come tonight?”

Her shoulders sagged in resignation. “Yes, alright. But please, Chakotay, let’s just keep it simple.”

He couldn’t help his heart from leaping and a small ray of hope from lighting his soul. “Sure, but will you join me in the mess hall for dinner beforehand? I hear Chell has been experimenting again. Perhaps you could give him a few tips.”

She looked up and couldn’t help a smile. “You’re not going to leave me be, are you?”

“Never.” He looked at her, his smile fading as he became very serious. “Not ever.”

She took a shaky breath. “Alright. What time do you have the holodeck booked?”

“19:30. Shall I pick you up from your quarters at 18:30? That gives us plenty of time, in case we have to go via sickbay on the way to the holodeck.” He grinned.

The twinkle was back and she smiled gently at him. “OK. 18:30. Oh, and what should I wear? Parachute? Ropes and pitons? Scuba gear?” Her lips curled into a wry grin.

He laughed. “No. No ‘extreme sport’ tonight.” He grinned in relief. “Just some light summer clothes will be fine. I’ll see you soon.” He turned to leave the ready room, but swung back around. “And Kathryn. Thank you.”

She gave him a small smile and blinked slowly as he left the room. She tried to tamp down her excitement, but with Seven out of the picture, their future was again filled with possibilities. There was an eagerness and energy about him that hadn’t been there in ages. The air had vibrated around them. A small seed of hope began to germinate in her heart. Perhaps she wasn’t too late. She checked the chronometer. It was 17:30. Only an hour before he was due at her door.

She gathered up the unfinished reports and left her ready room, nodding to the Beta shift on her way to the lifts.

Once back in her quarters, she dumped the padds on her table, and made her way to the bathroom. She filled the tub and added some scented bath oil to the steaming water. Tonight it was definitely time to think about those new protocols and regulations. Just knowing he was there beside her, supporting and caring for her had been enough up until now. But it obviously hadn’t been enough for him, and the shock of almost losing him had been a strident wake up call. For years she’d taken for granted his love and steady presence, but the mere thought of his loss had been enough to completely discompose her. She owed him so much and seven years was long enough. Surely it was better to be together, happy and content, than apart, miserable and unfulfilled. The ship ran like a well oiled machine these days and they were more like a family than a crew, and even though she now knew that Starfleet wouldn’t disapprove, it was of no consequence. It was something too important to both of them and she knew that even if the regulations hadn’t changed, she would grab her happiness and run with it. It had taken this close call for her to realise that their emotional survival was at stake. Tonight, if he was willing, things were going to change. With her mind made up she undressed and slid into the warm water of her bath.

She dressed carefully. He’d said light summer clothes, so she sifted through her wardrobe and found a flattering beige cotton button up dress that fell to just below her knees. She brushed her hair, letting it hang in loose waves over her shoulders and took a little extra time with her make up. Slipping on some matching flat shoes, she stood back from the mirror to assess the finished product. She shrugged. Not too bad. She wasn’t a young woman anymore, but she’d held up relatively well, considering. She stared at her face, noting the lines around her eyes and mouth. It had been a long, hard seven years, and tonight she was ready to take yet another step into the unknown.

The thought of Chakotay sent a thrill through her and she noticed the spark in her eyes. Suddenly the years fell away. If Chakotay could see that, then perhaps he’d see past the wrinkles and the wear and tear. She laughed at herself. She wasn’t a vain woman, but she wanted to look her best tonight, so with one last head to toe inspection she gave her reflection a nod and moved out into the living area.

Taking up a vantage point at the window she looked out at the passing stars. Her life, with all its sorrows and joys had led her here to this point…this crossroads. And here she was, about to embark on new path. This time, however, she wouldn’t be travelling alone and that thought was a balm to her battered soul. She smiled at her reflection and turned to the door as the chime rang. He was right on time. “Come.”

He stepped into her quarters. She was over by the viewport and she looked beautiful. There was an aura of serene contentment about her and she looked at peace for the first time in a long while. “Hello, Kathryn. You look lovely.”

“Chakotay.” She smiled. “Thank you.” He was wearing tan pants and a loose white shirt, laced at the neck. A bolt of desire shot through her, and she stared at the laces and then up at him, her brow rose in a perfect imitation of Tuvok. The message was clear. “Laces, Commander?”

He grinned broadly. “Laces, Captain.”

She gave him an answering grin, and then nodded. “Hmmm, laces.” She took a step forward and tucked her hand into his offered arm. “Shall we?” It was an intentionally loaded question. Her eyes sparked her meaning.

He looked at her sideways, his eyes twinkling. “Oh, I think so. Most definitely.”

She threw her head back and laughed. It was a glorious sound and he laughed along with her.

He couldn’t take his eyes off her as they walked out the door and down the corridor to the lift. The air around them seemed to crackle and hum. The few crewmen they passed on their way along deck two, smiled and nodded their greetings, but Chakotay only had eyes for the woman at his side. There was an energy surrounding her and he knew without asking that her wants were in complete accord with his. He was so grateful and relieved. A small but wary part of him had expected some sort of challenge or hesitancy, but she seemed totally at ease with the imminent change in their relationship. He thought, in a strange way, that his brief flirtation with Seven may have been the best thing he’d ever done, but no matter what the catalyst, he was here now with his Kathryn and he was never going to let her go. Spirits, he loved this woman.

The mess hall was busy and they gathered their trays with Chell’s latest creation. Something called Nacelle-ery soup, and Bread and Nebula pudding. They didn’t ask.

Looking around the mess hall, many of the crew were contemplating their meal with puzzled frowns, but no one looked particularly ill or in pain. They ate quietly, smiling at one another from time to time and talking quietly of ship’s business. The tension built and by the time Kathryn was half way through her coffee, she couldn’t wait any longer. She tossed her napkin on the table and gathered their plates. Chakotay gave her a knowing smile and took the tray to the recycler. They left the mess hall, wishing several of the crew a good evening, and made their way to deck six.

They arrived at the doors of the holodeck and Chakotay tapped at the controls. “Computer, begin holoprogram, Chakotay NE1.”

The doors hissed open and they entered.

Kathryn stopped just inside the doors and stared in disbelief. She turned to her companion with a puzzled frown. “Chakotay, how…?”

He took her arm and led her further into the recreation. “It’s New Earth at dusk.”

She nodded. “I know. I’d recognise it anywhere.” She looked around her and shook her head, still a little shaken. “I… It’s wonderful… beautiful, but I expected to see Dorvan.”

He gave her a gentle smile. “Well, I… umm… considered that. I also considered Indiana, but then I thought our first time should be somewhere that was special to us and, well… where else held such deep meaning for both of us? This was ours, Kathryn. Ours alone.”

Tears pricked at her eyes. He’d done it again and she was quite overwhelmed. But she didn’t want to cry. This was a time for joy and love and laughter. So she turned to him, her eyes glinting with mischief. “First time, Chakotay? Whatever for?”

A beaming grin lit his face and he took her hand in his and held it tight. “The first time for this.” He leant forward and kissed her sweetly on the lips then pulled back and cupped her face between his hands. “And the first time for this.” His thumb grazed her cheek. “Kathryn, I love you. I’ve loved you for so long, I can’t remember a time when you didn’t fill my heart.” He leant forward and kissed her again, this time deeply and passionately. He pulled back again and Kathryn made a small whimper of regret as his lips left hers.

She stared at him for a long moment and then gave him a lopsided smiled. “Is it my turn now?”

He grinned and nodded.

She slid her hands up his chest. “It’s the first time for this.” One hand continued to trail up his neck, over his ear and temple, to trace the delicate lines on his forehead. Her hand then drifted down the side of his face to his lips. “And the first time for this.” With intense concentration she watched as her fingers trailed over his beautiful lips, then slowly her eyes drifted up to his. “I love you, Chakotay. I always have and I always will.”

With a moan, he swept her into his arms, lifting her off the ground and held her tight. “Oh, Kathryn. I love you. Whatever it was that changed your mind about us, I don’t care, but I’m so happy that you did.”

She had her face tucked into his neck and she mumbled something against him.

He didn’t hear what she’d said, but he let her body slide down his and as her feet touched the ground he looked at her in question.

She stroked the back of her fingers over his cheek and looked at him lovingly, then gave a sad smile. “Fear. If I’m completely honest with myself, fear is what changed my mind.”

He frowned. “I can’t imagine you ever being afraid of anything, Kathryn.”

She gave a bitter laugh. “No? Well, I was afraid of having to live the rest of my life without you.” She shrugged and tried to move away, but Chakotay held her firmly against him.

He kissed the top of her head and ran his fingers through her hair. He gave a sad chuckle. “You’re not the only one.”

She looked up at him, surprised by his answer. “What do you mean?”

He pulled her close again, resting her head on his shoulder. She listened as the words rumbled through his chest. “I left your quarters in a panic the other night. When you told me you were saying goodbye, the only thing I could think to do was to run away. It struck terror into the very depths of my being to think that I wouldn’t be a part of your life anymore or you a part of mine. It was as if someone had torn my heart from my chest. I realised what a fool I’d been and knew that I couldn’t lose you. I need you, Kathryn. More than you’ll ever know.”

“Oh, I know, Chakotay. God, do I ever know.”

They stood wrapped in one another’s arms letting the love and desire ebb and flow. Kathryn opened her eyes slowly and looked around her. Something fluttered past and came to rest on some bushes to her right. Intrigued, she slipped out of Chakotay’s embrace and moved over to investigate. She grinned up at him when she saw what it was. Her eyes sparked with delight.

“Chakotay, come and look at this.”

He moved over to her side and stared down at a butterfly that rested on the flowering shrub. Its wings opened and closed lazily, giving them glimpses of vibrant purple and pink with splashes of orange.

Kathryn whispered. “Isn’t it the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?”

She could feel his eyes on her, but resisted the urge to turn towards him. The fires were igniting, and the feelings were so intense that the hairs on her arms and back of her neck were standing on end. She let the tension build until slowly she turned her head towards him and found his face mere centimetres from hers.

Closing her eyes she felt his breath whisper across her cheek and then felt the lightest touch of his lips on hers. As soft as butterfly wings. Sweet, gentle and filled with love.

All her senses seemed to be exquisitely heightened, and she could feel the heat of his body and smell the spicy scent of him. Her heart was pounding and when she opened her eyes, she saw herself reflected in those warm brown eyes. Those eyes that she’d loved so dearly and for so long. He touched her cheek and frissons of pleasure trickled down her spine turning her liquid with need.

Taking her hand in his, he led her into the shelter. The inside of the cabin had been rearranged and there was now only one bedroom with a large bed covered in a soft downy quilt. The room was lit with candles and a soft breeze blew through the open window. He led her to the side of the bed and his eyes locked with hers. He looked at her for a long moment and then letting go of her hand he began to undo the buttons of her dress. As he unfastened each button, his fingers danced lightly over her pale skin. Her arms hung loosely at her sides until he’d unfastened her dress to her waist. He held her gaze as he slid his hands under the garment, and over her breasts, drawing the sides back to slip it from her shoulders. She wore no bra and as her dress pooled at her feet, he leant forward and kissed her puckered nipples breathing the word “Beautiful” across the taut flesh.

Kathryn’s head lolled back as his lips suckled and nipped at her, and his fingers teased and touched. He made love to her breasts, his lips and mouth teasing her nipples and his hands stroking up and down her torso. Finally he stood back. She took a deep shuddering breath, and raised her smiling eyes to his as he took her hands and placed them over the laces of his shirt. Trembling, she undid the tie and slowly pulled the string from the eyelets. Without taking her eyes from his, she slid her hands underneath his shirt, over his abdomen and up his chest until he was forced to lift his arms and let her pull the garment from his body.

She stood and stared for a moment. He was beautiful. All gold and shadowed bronze. Then her hands began to stroke over the warm skin of his stomach, through the few sparse hairs on his chest, and up over his shoulders. Leaning forward she kissed his chest and rubbed her cheek across the warm skin. A jolt of desire travelled along the nerves straight to her groin as she watched him shiver and tremble at her touch. He was breathing rapidly and when she looked up into his eyes, her breath caught. He was looking at her with eyes burning black with desire.

His heated stare held hers and her breathing began to match his. The intensity of feeling was almost too much. Suddenly, he lifted her into his arms and laid her on the bed, and his hands began their own exploration. Broad strokes dragged over her shoulders, followed by light caresses down her arms. His fingers played over her skin, finding secret places that made her shiver with anticipation, jolt with arousal and moan with need. He cupped her breasts, weighing each in his warm hands and then pinched her nipples until they stood erect and straining towards his touch.

Moving down her body, he hooked his fingers into the waist of her panties, and pulled them down and off, tossing them aside. He stood and stripped off his pants and boxers then knelt beside her prone form. His eyes scoured her body and his hands followed their path. Up over her thighs, the back of his fingers lightly scratching over her stomach and he groaned as she twitched and jerked. He leant forward and kissed the hollow of her hip, his tongue darting out to lick the sensitive skin. She arched up towards his warm mouth. Her body writhed and her mind was so filled with desire and need that she was almost beyond coherent thought. Picking up her hands he placed them on his thighs and together they stroked, fondled, and explored each other bodies. Lips, fingers, tongues and teeth mapped the planes and ridges of supple flesh. Soft sighs and gentle gasps accompanied their discoveries and both were breathless with the passion they felt for each other.

After what seemed like hours of sensory delight, Chakotay trailed his hand down over her mound and slipped two and then three fingers into her sodden depths as his thumb flicked over her clitoris. Kathryn arched off the bed. She’d been teetering on the brink for so long that her climax was almost upon her. She stilled his hand and pulled him over her and whispered. “Together.”

She guided him into her, and he gritted his teeth as he stayed his orgasm. They lay unmoving, wrapped in each others arms for several moments. Once the urgency had passed Kathryn slid her arms around to grip his buttocks and began to rock against him. He lifted himself on to his elbows to meet her gentle thrusts with a slow steady rhythm which built and built in intensity. Their faces were inches from one another, their eyes locked in a loving gaze as they panted and whispered words of love in heated breaths. Her hands tightened their grip as their rhythm began to falter. She felt him lengthen within her as her inner muscles began to pulse. Her breaths were coming in short sharp gasps and she felt him push into her deeply. He came in hot hard bursts.

His climax triggered hers and she gave a deep primal groan as the tightening gave way to an explosion of delight. Her eyes closed and her head strained backwards as her body shuddered against his.

Slowly they relaxed and he collapsed onto her. He rolled them to the side, and draped his leg around her to hold her to him. His hands roamed gently over her back and sides.

Kathryn kissed his neck and rubbed her cheek against his. “Hmmmm. That was…. I’ve never….hmmmm.”

He smiled into her hair. “Me neither.”

She lifted herself away from him slightly so she could see his eyes. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” He pulled her tight against him trying to meld them together. She was deceptively small for a woman of such power and passion and in this moment of post coital bliss, he felt the need to cosset and protect her. He smiled to himself knowing that it was a vain hope, but for the moment he fantasised about keeping her safe from harm. He knew, though, like that beautiful butterfly, she needed to fly free, but he would always be there to hold her gently and mend her broken wings.

Leaning back again he looked at her. Lifting his hand, he swept the damp locks of hair from her beautiful face. “Kathryn?”

“Hmmmm?”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Hmmmm.”

“Are we going to be sneaking around the ship and tiptoeing past the crew’s quarters with this relationship?”

She shook her head. “Oh no. I’m done with sneaking. This is a committed relationship, Chakotay. It’s for keeps. No sneaking, hiding or dissembling. Is that alright with you?”

He grinned at her. “You even have to ask?” He leant forward and kissed her. “Forever, Kathryn.”

She answered his smile with one of her own. “Forever.” She leant forward and kissed him. “But…”

He looked at her, a small frown forming on his face. “But….?”

She grinned. “I wouldn’t mind trying the rabbit thing.”

Chakotay stared at her for a split second and then laughed out loud. “You’re on.” And with that he grabbed her and rolled her under him.

The joyous sound of laughter and loving echoed through the holodeck, and as the sun set, their new adventure began.

- _fin_ -


End file.
